Extreme Jumping Off Points

If I were a cartoon right now bubbles would start floating out of my ears and my cheeks would turn bright red and my pony tail would start spinning out the back of my head.

treats

Weekend treats.

1. Pinball with the Beth, Pinball Mastermind, at Shorty's.
2. Tator Tots at 5 Point, extra grease please.
3. Coffee and reading Collette at Stumptown coffee while the sun is shining on a cold cold morning.
4. Croque Monsieur + Harissa coated olives at Cafe Presse. $10 My new fav lunch.
5. Purchased The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian, Sherman Alexie + The Russian Debutant's Guidebook, Gary Shteyngart.
6. Purchased super comfy, borderline hipsterish black turtleneck dress.
7. Hair dye for DYI (aka cheap) self improvement.
8. Now sitting on couch, drinking tea watching the orange/purple/blue sunset over the city.
9. Seeing Mrs. Smith tomorrow.

sleep

I woke up from a full night’s sleep this morning exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

I’ve had a pretty dysfunctional relationship with sleep my entire life. I’ll go through extreme bouts of insomnia about every three months. As a child I used to read with a flashlight, but parents caught on quickly. Then I’d stare at my popcorn ceiling and look for shapes. If you stare at something long enough something will come of it. Part two of my sleep dysfunction problem is nightmares. I would say this is way worse than staying up all night watching ‘insomniac music theater’ (a frequent habit in my middle school years). I think that because I sleep so lightly and some nights are more or less like fading in and out of consciousness I remember my dreams more than most. I have some pretty fucking awful dreams.

As a child I had one or two repeating dreams about my house burning down and my parents being trapped inside. In the past year I’ve dreamt nuclear holocaust, earthquakes that sink the Puget Sound, family members dying, plane crashes. It’s like holy crap subconscious dream portion of brain, calm down! The worst of the nightmare are the ones that you truly believe you’re awake, and when you wake up you’re completely unsure. Twice as a kid I dreamt the fire alarms going off in our house, both occasions I woke up and ran to my parents room screaming for them to get out of bed. I also used to walk in my sleep (resulting in a few unfortunate sleepwalk/peeing incidents).

I don’t know if I need a sleep therapist or what, but I feel like my nightmares kind of ruin my whole day. I’ve felt weird and off all day today, but I don’t really believe in analyzing dreams.

Maybe my mind just needs an extended weekend, oh wait, I do have an extended weekend. sweet.

The Rant

Good friends, please excuse me while I use the blog format for its traditional purpose of public ranting. Thankfully, I know my audience well and I will disclaimer that my frustration will inevitably fade within a few days and that what I’m writing has nothing to do with any of you who I know read.

Being young and selfish can be lots of fun for certain, but right now I feel like I’m in such an odd place where I’m not allowed to participate in such fun. I’m 22 and living with my boyfriend who I feel I coexist with perfectly. Part of this to me is that I don’t feel anxiety when we are apart and I don’t feel that he will ever be upset if I want to do my own thing (which I frequently do). I never ever, ever thought in a million years I would be at this stage in my love life at this age. What is frustrating is that marriage is still a far and distant thing for me, yet I’m starting to feel like I’m being socially put in a box by my living/relationship situation.

I’ve recently been confronted by a good friend about a variety of things that stirred up some emotions that I’ve been struggling with. Mainly that I’m losing track of friends who call me less because of Steve, and that I ‘wouldn’t understand’ the single lifestyle and because I’m not single wouldn’t enjoy activities such as going out all night for drinks, dancing, etc. She also went as far as saying that she doesn’t call me to go out because I only like ‘chic, expensive activities’ that she doesn’t enjoy and that she would never ‘fit in’ there just like I “wouldn’t fit in at a dive bar”. I’m bothered way more than I should be by this, I know. I feel like if I go somewhere ‘chic’ it’s once a month and because a lot of Steve’s friends are into that. Part of being a girlfriend is adapting to his friends, who have accepted me as their own thankfully. I go to dive bars all the fucking time, give me a break I’m not a yuppie I make just as much as she does (not a lot), and no, my parents are not supporting me. It’s as if I’ve been put in this ‘practically married yuppie who scorns single people’ box. It’s not as if once you’re in a stable relationship all memories of being single self destruct in the brain. I went very long periods of my college years without a boyfriend, and I had a ton of fun. Part of that fun was that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend and I was just enjoying life. So, really, what makes my situation all that different now? Why must I be a ‘square’ just because my life is somewhat stable right now? I feel like she can only be making these judgments based on my current situation, not taking into account me as a person.

Friends, Steve can’t replace you, and he won’t. So if you stop calling me, it’s not as if I’m content to just spend the time I would have spent with you with Steve instead. It’s more like I feel incomplete and a bit like a failure.

As for the ‘expensive activities’ part, I know my situation is weird. In reality though, I still work 40 hrs plus, Steve works waaaaay more than that on average. We both pay (fairly high) rent and we both have to manage our savings and spending habits like everyone else. I don’t really have a lot of control over the way we appear to others, yeah, our place is beyond our realistic income, but we’re still paying for it. Also, I’m wholly satisfied by spending a night in with friends watching rented movies and drinking a bottle of wine, or in this case, going to a dive bar and ordering pitchers of cheap beer. I care way more about seeing my friends than what we actually end up doing. I’m feeling pretty hurt that she believes this about me. I’m still 22 folks. I still have a lot of learning to do. Also, treat me like ‘the man’ and I’ll have to regulate…

P.S. I'm not an angry ranty Mc Ranterson.... I love you all. I also love this friend who has made me so emotional. Such is life...

Mess

When I get home most days of the week and I look around the absolute last thing I ever want to do is clean. In order to clean I have to know when the next time will be that guests will be coming over. This sets me up for embarrassment when Steve's mom drops by when I'm not home and we have underwear thrown everywhere, bags of recycling sitting in the hallway, and little pieces of crumpled up paper that we throw Inga are strewn about in every room. This happened today.

I wish I were back at the cabin. For a month. I couldn't get anything done today at work because all I could think about was snow.